dubai: cooking

imagine that song by sinaed o'connor…its been 3.5 years and many months since I've cooked a meal…..oooh oooh ohhhhh….

anyway, for reasons beyond my control i have not cooked in ages. but last week and today i cooked and i have to say, amazing.

mustard honey salmon, cabbage salad with homemade blue cheese oil based dressing and sweet plantains.

i'm awesome.

dubai: love

I have a very close friend that is going through her first adult break up. And I've been guiding her through it a bit.  

I will admit that I've been separated from this type of love for a long time. It's happened to me twice in 37 years and they were deep emotional traumas that I don't care to repeat. And honestly I've been in weird pointless relationships ever since. 

Not pointless ok, but not productive.  Kinda dead before they started. Made me enlist a new rule of only liking men that I find interest in, not those that find interest in me. Because honestly the men that find interest in you come with a false sense of security; just because they initiate doesn't mean they are are any more loyal or worthy. They are just not shy. That's all. Anyway, I didn't care if those relationships evolved or not. And I knew it at the beginning. 

OH but there was this one guy. He was special.  Is special. One of the interesting people who actually occupy space in my heart. I wasn't romantically in love however.  But loved him all the same. I made a calculated decision to "fall" for him. And you know what?  That didn't work either. So these days I'm pretty numb to it. This thing we call love. It's whatever for me these days. Really Whatever. 

Anyway baby is going through her first heart break. And I've been reassuring her again and again that this is life. And all those other great phrases our mothers tell us...basically life will go on. But then I remembered. I heard all that crap and it took me two years to get over JSB and shamefully I had to leave the country to finally break the 8 year tie between me and JSW. So then I thought. Shittttt. 

Baby is probably at the very beginning of road heartbreak, similar to what I experienced. And then I became sad, because the tough thing about heartbreak is that this is a situation where logic barely prevails. Logic has nothing to do with it. This is about feeling.  And the only way to get through is to hit the bottom and pray that you pop back up. But there is always the chance you hit bottom and explode in a million pieces. 

Im sure she will survive. But going through this with her really made me think how I never thought i would get pass the heartache myself. But not only did I move on, but now I've mistakenly moved passed it in its entirety. And I didn't realize it, until her heartache reminded me. 

I have some work to do. And baby does too. 

dubai: everyday

Write everyday is the only rule. Which I have failed some how this week. 

Today's lesson: paranoia doesn't help it paralyzes. 

dubai: procrastination

2014 no more complaining.  yep no more complaining.  lets see if i can do 365 days of shutting it, and making a calculated change instead.  i'm all about the 365 day challenges by the way.  for example the elevator photos, 306 days and counting.  (yeah i know its something i enjoy) but i believe putting an end to complaining will probably be the most difficult challenge to date, because even though i am so sick of complainers and the fact that they are an eternal, buzz f*cking kill; i complain too. [sigh]  

i do believe however that this change will be the most rewarding.

when i turned 37 in october, i had a pretty tough conversation with my self that can be summed up in one sentence, "kim you better get your f*cking shit together".  so i will add no more complaining as an initiative towards my "getting my sh*t together" goals.

and listen, its not like i'm that far off the mark.  i've held great positions, i know what i want for myself out of life, i travel, i live abroad, i have seen more than my share, i know i have a lot going for me, i meet amazing people, i am surrounded by art that can not be duplicated, i know what it feels to be loved…...  its not that kind of shit I'm talking about.  I'm talking about actualizing my dreams because at this point they are starting to haunt me.  about being super kim.  optimum kim. kimtastic.  kim possible.  MF'in KIM.  because the truth is, no matter what you have, you will always want more.  and I'm not talking about more stuff.  i mean more meaning in my life.

ooh sorry this isn't about complaining, i'm talking about procrastination.  well maybe i'm talking about both.

so…. the whatever percent of "kim" that is lacking is in my court.  and its in my court because instead of actioning, i am complaining about missing this component.  but truth be told its mine to have. the world is not conspiring against me.  there is no world plan to block me from my dreams and aspirations.  the only reason why i don't have it, is because i haven't gone to get it.  and i didn't go and get it because while i am complaining I'm procrastinating.

famous words of momma:  "accept it, shut up and stay; or don't accept it, make a change and leave".

i guess, I'm choosing not to accept it.  and more importantly I'm choosing to not delay in making a change.  f*ck it.

mdc

dubai: blogger

yeah i know, everyone is all about wordpress these days.  truth be told so am i.  but i started blogging many years ago on blogger, and it only makes sense that i keep the tradition going.  now i will admit a few truths, the format is shit, the design is shit, and its mobile applications are shit too.  so there it is.  but something positive will come out of this loyalty.  

anyway, welcome to more disappointment to come.  everyone and i mean everyone, thinks that i should have a blog.  mostly because i am this over sympathetic friend, who will listen to all of your ups and downs, and try to help you consider an angle you didn't think existed.  i'm mostly kind and upfront.  but I'm not putting up with your shit either.  and somehow i am one of the elders in my crews, so admittedly i tend to be less reactive, because… pace yourself [insert your name here], there is more disappointment to come.  get it now?  

now here are the rules.  there aren't any, who knows what i will write about.  even I'm not sure.  but if you read something that sounds like you or your friend, it could be, but i will never confirm.

lets see if we can do this for 365 days straight.  I believe we can.

mdc