dubai: I Don't Feel like it

I don't feel like talking. I don't feel like visiting. I don't feel like caring. I don't feel like being here or there. I'm not interested and I don't care if you mind. 

Dubai: parachute

While I was on the treadmill today I figured out why I really want a partner. Before I would always say I didn't want to raise children alone. And that's why I wanted a partner. Because everyday I consider having a baby on my own through anonymous donor. Almost feel like I would yield better results than from the donors I know. 

But yesterday I met a friend from the office for breakfast and we were talking about creative things we like to do. And then I told him. I don't really want my kids to be raised by corporate Kim. Because I don't really like her. She's smart and cunning. But I'm not sure she is suited for motherhood effortlessly. I think I could separate the two  but the underlying theme would be a corporate monster. I've never liked corporate but it's an amazing training  ground for all the ills life has to offer. They suggest the future but are too rooted in the past for real change. And if they really are encountering a new frontier they fumble all the way through it. All the way. Cluster Fuck after cluster fuck. 

Anyway. I realized that I am not who I want to be full time because I am afraid of the fall from failure. So my fantasy husband is creative yet stable. He would live in a container house with me, and travel by back pack through India. And maybe even rent a house boat in the Caribbean for months at at a time. All while working at his cool job with great health plan and consistent bonuses. And he would permit me to follow my dreams without fear because he would be my parachute. And I realize now that for my adult life I have been the parachute of stability in my relationships.  And that could be the reason why I remain single. 

I don't want the burden of consistency. I don't want to be the parachute. I want to be the wild card. Even if my dreams aren't that crazy. 

If failure wasn't an option I would be:

Sassy wife

Mom of 3 great kids

Mom to A pair of basset hounds

Gallery owner

Freelance photographer

Owner of a modular housing company. Manufacturing and construction included 

World traveller

Furniture maker

And greenhouse Gardner

Home on 4 continents

Eternally happy

dubai: energy

so i told you in the last post that i lost my job last week. (still looking for a better way to describe that).  its not like i don't know where it is.  is right where i left it.  

by the way i didn't love that job.  i loved what it was suppose to be, but it never amounted to its potential.  like any relationship that doesn't bare fruit, it should be discontinued.  but rejection, no matter the reason is awkward.  stating it nicely.  anyway the last time i got laid off, exactly two years ago, i was relieved.  and i was relieved this time.  

now last time, they laid me off, i went to beirut for a break, then to india….then to looking for a job.  i did the math in my head, and freaked out on occasion.  but only one major freak out that was managed my girlfriend missy.  i kayaked, paddle surfed, did yoga, rode my bike, met my friends out, couch surfed, got acupuncture, travelled to beirut two more times, traveled to qatar twice, went to jordan for a bit.  and late into the game, 7 months in i started freelancing….and once i got the hang of it, i almost committed to not going back to corporate.  at 11months i was at a new job, with an assumed amazing new company.  and almost immediately started suffering.

suffer why?  because i want a nest egg.  not even a big one.  just one that allows me to day dream at times.  one that allows me to have under the tuscany sun moment, if needed in marbella.  one that allows me to live my dubai standard, with out the dubai drama.  oh how they hold hands. ever so tightly.

anyway, this time.  i think finding the job first and then going on a nice leave is the better approach. finalizing budgets, so i really understand how much time i have, save the money now…so that it can stretch.  see if not going back is an option.  and being corporate about my approach in that sense.  like really run the numbers, get real data to support or kill the idea.  syla, emancipated images….are the priorities.  investigate in companies that conclude my education.

as i digress.  energy.  in this time of change, all of my important people contacted me, and i just find it amazing how energy is un spoken.  they know something is up.  what exactly. no.  but this is just proof how things are working that you know nothing about.  and no matter what you plan, there is already a plan in place.  people are playing parts they don't even know exist.

i want to ride the energy..how about you?

mdc

Dubai: break ups and babies

You know it seems to be the time of ying and yang. Everyone I know is either going through a relationship break up, or having a baby. 

And each love lost or love gained has been either a perceived blessing or curse.  I find that most of my friends are wondering why me, why now?  And then my other friends are like thank God it's over, or thank God it happened. 

I found that the only way to find value in these changes is understanding how you react to them. If you think it's ok it will be. If you think it sucks it can be shit as well. I am doing my level best to believe that every life changing event is an opportunity for me to grow. To establish and create the better kim. This week I had a break up as well. I was laid off from my job. And I have to say even though in 2012 I spent 11 months out of work. I wasn't sad. I just felt like the universe is telling me something. And for the first time I'm getting it. Because the message has always been the same. This square peg is not fit for this round hole. Find the right fit Kimmers. Be who you really are. Make a difference. Stop chasing the money. Let it come to you. Try a different approach. It's time to be who you really are. Don't keep the real kim be reserved for vacations and   weekends. Be her everyday. Be her now. 

And I want to. So let's give her a try. 

Mdc

dubai: cooking

imagine that song by sinaed o'connor…its been 3.5 years and many months since I've cooked a meal…..oooh oooh ohhhhh….

anyway, for reasons beyond my control i have not cooked in ages. but last week and today i cooked and i have to say, amazing.

mustard honey salmon, cabbage salad with homemade blue cheese oil based dressing and sweet plantains.

i'm awesome.

dubai: love

I have a very close friend that is going through her first adult break up. And I've been guiding her through it a bit.  

I will admit that I've been separated from this type of love for a long time. It's happened to me twice in 37 years and they were deep emotional traumas that I don't care to repeat. And honestly I've been in weird pointless relationships ever since. 

Not pointless ok, but not productive.  Kinda dead before they started. Made me enlist a new rule of only liking men that I find interest in, not those that find interest in me. Because honestly the men that find interest in you come with a false sense of security; just because they initiate doesn't mean they are are any more loyal or worthy. They are just not shy. That's all. Anyway, I didn't care if those relationships evolved or not. And I knew it at the beginning. 

OH but there was this one guy. He was special.  Is special. One of the interesting people who actually occupy space in my heart. I wasn't romantically in love however.  But loved him all the same. I made a calculated decision to "fall" for him. And you know what?  That didn't work either. So these days I'm pretty numb to it. This thing we call love. It's whatever for me these days. Really Whatever. 

Anyway baby is going through her first heart break. And I've been reassuring her again and again that this is life. And all those other great phrases our mothers tell us...basically life will go on. But then I remembered. I heard all that crap and it took me two years to get over JSB and shamefully I had to leave the country to finally break the 8 year tie between me and JSW. So then I thought. Shittttt. 

Baby is probably at the very beginning of road heartbreak, similar to what I experienced. And then I became sad, because the tough thing about heartbreak is that this is a situation where logic barely prevails. Logic has nothing to do with it. This is about feeling.  And the only way to get through is to hit the bottom and pray that you pop back up. But there is always the chance you hit bottom and explode in a million pieces. 

Im sure she will survive. But going through this with her really made me think how I never thought i would get pass the heartache myself. But not only did I move on, but now I've mistakenly moved passed it in its entirety. And I didn't realize it, until her heartache reminded me. 

I have some work to do. And baby does too. 

dubai: everyday

Write everyday is the only rule. Which I have failed some how this week. 

Today's lesson: paranoia doesn't help it paralyzes. 

dubai: procrastination

2014 no more complaining.  yep no more complaining.  lets see if i can do 365 days of shutting it, and making a calculated change instead.  i'm all about the 365 day challenges by the way.  for example the elevator photos, 306 days and counting.  (yeah i know its something i enjoy) but i believe putting an end to complaining will probably be the most difficult challenge to date, because even though i am so sick of complainers and the fact that they are an eternal, buzz f*cking kill; i complain too. [sigh]  

i do believe however that this change will be the most rewarding.

when i turned 37 in october, i had a pretty tough conversation with my self that can be summed up in one sentence, "kim you better get your f*cking shit together".  so i will add no more complaining as an initiative towards my "getting my sh*t together" goals.

and listen, its not like i'm that far off the mark.  i've held great positions, i know what i want for myself out of life, i travel, i live abroad, i have seen more than my share, i know i have a lot going for me, i meet amazing people, i am surrounded by art that can not be duplicated, i know what it feels to be loved…...  its not that kind of shit I'm talking about.  I'm talking about actualizing my dreams because at this point they are starting to haunt me.  about being super kim.  optimum kim. kimtastic.  kim possible.  MF'in KIM.  because the truth is, no matter what you have, you will always want more.  and I'm not talking about more stuff.  i mean more meaning in my life.

ooh sorry this isn't about complaining, i'm talking about procrastination.  well maybe i'm talking about both.

so…. the whatever percent of "kim" that is lacking is in my court.  and its in my court because instead of actioning, i am complaining about missing this component.  but truth be told its mine to have. the world is not conspiring against me.  there is no world plan to block me from my dreams and aspirations.  the only reason why i don't have it, is because i haven't gone to get it.  and i didn't go and get it because while i am complaining I'm procrastinating.

famous words of momma:  "accept it, shut up and stay; or don't accept it, make a change and leave".

i guess, I'm choosing not to accept it.  and more importantly I'm choosing to not delay in making a change.  f*ck it.

mdc

dubai: blogger

yeah i know, everyone is all about wordpress these days.  truth be told so am i.  but i started blogging many years ago on blogger, and it only makes sense that i keep the tradition going.  now i will admit a few truths, the format is shit, the design is shit, and its mobile applications are shit too.  so there it is.  but something positive will come out of this loyalty.  

anyway, welcome to more disappointment to come.  everyone and i mean everyone, thinks that i should have a blog.  mostly because i am this over sympathetic friend, who will listen to all of your ups and downs, and try to help you consider an angle you didn't think existed.  i'm mostly kind and upfront.  but I'm not putting up with your shit either.  and somehow i am one of the elders in my crews, so admittedly i tend to be less reactive, because… pace yourself [insert your name here], there is more disappointment to come.  get it now?  

now here are the rules.  there aren't any, who knows what i will write about.  even I'm not sure.  but if you read something that sounds like you or your friend, it could be, but i will never confirm.

lets see if we can do this for 365 days straight.  I believe we can.

mdc